05 November 2009

A Memory Remembered Of A Number Lost

I was with Debbie; we were going into Brooklyn to visit a friend of hers to celebrate his birthday. We went to a quiet chill bar somewhere. Although I am usually reliable to remember where things happened, was it East New York, was it park slope, or was it Canarsie, etc. For some reason I cannot remember where exactly in the city this bar was for the life of me. Either way, we went. I only knew two people there: Debbie and her guy friend. Now at this time, things were good with Debbie and me. We were trying to talk out our issues and had been staying happy. Anyone who knows of how this relationship was overall, knows that it wouldn’t last like that for long.
Either way, I met a bunch of interesting people and if I was the person I am now, then. I would have probably started a bunch of new cool friendships, but I was much more introverted and quiet and felt I had to keep my guard up alot, especially when dealing with people I met through Debbie. The party died out somewhat early, but there was a few of us left. I remember a the birthday boy, Debbie, myself, and I think Elizabeth, one of the guys friends. We went out front of the bar to smoke a cigarette.
The conversations were going all over. At one point me and the guy was talking, at another point me and Debbie was, at another point me and Liz was, etc etc not atypical to any group of people hanging out. It turned out that the girl wasn’t dating the birthday boy, as I thought she was, but that didn’t matter to me at the time, I was with Debbie, and convinced that eventually we would be happy and ever after, all that stupid shit.
The girl and I hit it very quickly and easily. We ended up having alot of in common and spoke alot. I felt a connection to this girl but only saw it in reflection. I had no intentions with the person other than having conversation.
On a related, but off topic note, I recall having a few conversations with friends of mine about how we can behave as humans. How we can be so shy and guarded, but once we are in a contented relationship, we seem to come out of our shells. We feel more confident, almost like we think 'i have no one to impress; I’ll just be myself; or something of that ilk. Which is why, when we have a significant other, we often end up attracting others. You know how it is, you finally have a bf/gf and suddenly all of these people come out of the woodwork, trying to gain your interest. Where were all of these people before?.. yadda yadda yadda, i digress, slightly
That was how I guessed I felt. I felt like I can just talk to this woman, and she will know I have no intentions. Because I am there with someone and I am just looking for conversation. All of us spoke alot and the four of us ended up closing the bar, and eventually Debbie and I left. I remember her mentioning to me that I spoke to Elizabeth alot. She didn’t say it in this accusatory way that she often had, jealousy and control being her popular motives. I reassured her I did not get a number, I did not have any ill will, I was just making friends while we were there, which in a sense was true.
Six weeks later, I broke up with Debbie. Things had, ironically, taken a significant turn for the worse and beginning of the end took too long, and we ended it in my jeep, in a church parking lot, late one cold autumn night.
Debbie and I spoke off and on, mostly just 'Are you ok?' 'How are you doing' types of calls, but I recall getting one particularly odd phone call from her. She said that she remembered how well Elizabeth and I got along, and that her friend mentioned to her (Debbie) that if she were ok with it, Elizabeth would like to get in touch with me, beings that we are no longer together. Debbie insisted I called Liz, that she saw a magic between Elizabeth and I. I know of only one person on my friends list who knew Debbie anything close to as well as I did, and even he would have to say that the idea of Debbie having this conversation with me would be very out of character. I took the number down, but was left very troubled.
I held onto that number for a month. I could never call. (In hindsight, I do not think I should have called her with anything other than platonic intent at that time anyway. It took a long time for me to settle my heart about my relationship with Debbie ending.) However, even then I felt like I did get along with this woman very well. I felt like she might’ve been someone special. I also felt like it could be a trick. I felt something so odd about an ex trying to hook me up with someone, that I wrote it off. Maybe she found out the girl was as treacherous as she was. I dunno…
But as I thought about this memory today, I thought, maybe Debbie was aware of something. Maybe she wasn’t pulling some scheme. Maybe she really did just see something special. We never did get back together in a committed relationship, so maybe she did actually think this woman would be a good idea for me. I cannot change anything about it now. But to think that If I had just done something for myself then, instead of thinking of many trivial ways in which it was wrong, who knows what could have been?

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